Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Mad (ness)

     My parents tell stories of when I was younger and how I was "full of life". I would lie on the stairs crying and yelling "It's not fair!" and was stubborn as a mule, yet you could find me aiding those family members who were sick as best I could. I truly felt each emotion as it came.
     As I grew up I think a part of that was lost. Somehow, in my mind, being mad was a bad thing. Having the guilty conscience I do, I tried not to be mad anymore. I would still get sad, upset, lonely, and hurt, but I would never get blood-boiling angry. I was in a constant state of happiness and bliss and I thought it was wonderful! I never let anything get to me too far. I soaked in all the happiness I could and spread it back out for people who weren't as happy as I was. If someone disagreed with me, hurt me, or did something I didn't like I never got "mad" - only sad or upset and never for very long. I let things slide because it never seemed worth it to get angry about. 
     I never realized what I was missing out on.
    To this day I still don't get mad or angry very often. I am really good at the whole "seeing things from their perspective" thing. Who knows if I'm right or wrong, I just come up with all the reasons they could have acted the way they did and say "They only did this because _____". Yes, sometimes we need to give the benefit of the doubt. Everyone deserves a second chance. But that's definitely not where this post is intended to go.
     I am talking about crazy, blood-boiling, pure madness. In the last 4 years I have only been that worked up probably 3 times. At most. I still remember each instance like it was yesterday-complete with the blood running through my veins getting hotter by the second and the speeding heart rate and flustered thoughts. I'm not saying I love the feeling. You feel like you could literally break out into the Hulk or Human Torch at any second and cannot control your thoughts or emotions at all. And that's the madness.
    There must be opposition in all things, yes? Yes. To feel an emotion so strongly gives light to the same emotion on the opposite end of the spectrum. Imagine your body as a meter for emotion. If you are content it's about halfway full. If you feel the complete extreme of anger than the tank is all the way full. If you feel the complete extreme of joy than the tank its all the way full. When you have filled the tank once you know what it feels like. You feel alive. The feeling is addictive. It's why people become adrenaline junkies; they know what it felt like to be on the verge of death and it made them connected to what it felt like to be alive in that moment. Same thing goes for joy and anger.
    Feeling angry is not a bad thing. It means you have passion about something, care, have a heart and motivation. It lets you know when you feel real joy because the tank will be full again. You don't know how much more happiness can fit, yet it keeps coming. Holding onto that anger is never a good thing. You can't mix anger and happiness in the same tank. Learn to let go so you can open the door to let joy fill you. I don't want to go through life never really feeling it. I want to feel complete and optimal joy...so let me feel this madness.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Ghana Part 5

      Three weeks isn't a very long time. It passes you by in the blink of an eye (I'm such a good poet). Yet so much happens in that blink. Babies are born, tears are shed, people pass from this life, a good hard rain washes everything clean. And just like that, another three weeks has started. When I made the decision to come to Ghana I knew I would change. Very rarely do these people and this culture enter your life and not touch a part of your soul, down to the deepest parts of your heart. It's comforting, natural, clean. Although I knew I would change, it wasn't at all how I expected. I'm still struggling to figure out each part.
      In three weeks, if you keep your eyes open, you can collect memories. There are certain ones that will forever be engrained in my mind: the smell of a Ghanaian thunderstorm, so unlike the ones at home with the most pure scent, thunder continuously shaking the ground, each drop stinging your burnt body; the feeling of two toddlers asleep on your lap, breathing so peacefully because they are confined in the arms of someone who loves them; the way Georgina doesn't actually like the red sauce they put on their plain white rice and gives it to her sisters Gifty and Gabby; the way Gifty and Gabby sing little songs and dance while grinning from ear to ear sitting on your lap; when Christopher finally falls asleep in your arms and rests his energetic body on your shoulders; Michel's smile when you walk in and you make eye contact and he runs up to give you a hug and kiss; the way the kids say my name; all of their laughter-each unique and individual; the smell of the little ones when they have just been bathed and put in fresh clothing; the way they smell when they have been bathed and put in not so fresh clothing; the 7 month old triplets looking up at you wondering what is in store for them; when the older kids want to cuddle with you or have you pick them up too; when they slide their heads onto your lap ever so slowly, just in case you might get mad at them for doing it (but you never do); the never empty lap; laughing till your sides hurt while walking a half mile through mud and slime and knee-deep water with the other volunteers almost falling with every step; the hot sun that doesn't quite burn as bad as you think it might; Grace coming up behind me and poking my sides as she passes by; their beautiful smiles; Georgina singing "You Are My Sunshine" with me every day; the longing and desire to go see them while they are in class during the day, or wanting to cuddle with them at night; and last but not least, I will always remember the way every single one of the kids runs up to you at the entrance to the school, climbing up your body like a tree just to get in your arms and tugging on your clothes wanting a hand to hold.
(Disclaimer: I know that was the most grammatically incorrect paragraph in the history of ever)
     Those are the moments I will cling to while I am flying home Wednesday night. They are the moments I will cling to when my life gets busier and busier and the time I can devote to others suddenly becomes nonexistent and I need to be brought back to reality. I will long for those moments again in the next few months, but I know that there will be other volunteers here looking after my 41 babies. They are my children, my brothers, my sisters, my friends. And like anyone wants for their loved ones, I want the very best for them. I wish they each had the individual and unique love that they personally deserve, but the work that these volunteers do is amazing. Giving love to each and every child is hard work. It's emotionally exhausting. It's the most rewarding thing I have done with my life yet.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Ghana Part 3

     Ya'll are gonna hate me for blogging so much, but what else am I supposed to do in Adam Nana at 6:15 on a Sunday morning?
     This morning I wanted to share the story of how this orphanage started. Mr. Patrick, my host father, was a teacher and had a small chicken farm. He has a wife, Mama Pat, and three young sons named Arnold, Mathu, and Jaho. They are an incredible and loving family! One night Mama Pat had a dream that they took care of orphaned, sick, and crippled children. Mr. Patrick didn't believe her until he had one of his own a few months later. He had no money to start it, but received a random phone call from a friend in America a while later asking how he could help the orphaned and needy in Ghana. He donated enough money for them to rent a small living area for the kids and started the West African Children Foundation. In this one bedroom building, everyone ate and slept on the floor. It was also used as the school house, so during the day they would roll up the mats they slept on and put them away for school.
     Life was hard after Mr. Patricks donation money ran out and he and the kids went without food quite a lot. He was no longer teaching at the other school and his chicken farm was failing. He decided to lock himself in his room for 7 days to pray and fast. He knew it was God's plan for him to do this and not his own and the best way to figure out the next step was to ask God what it was, because He knew. When he finally emerged from his room, he walked to church. On his way, a woman stopped and said she felt like she needed to help him, was there anything he needed? Did he need volunteers? Patrick had never heard of volunteers before and learned more about them and was so excited when she made the phone call to IVHQ to ask for volunteers. After they came down and checked it out, they agreed to start placing volunteers here once they have beds for volunteers. Once he had enough space for volunteers, the work here progressed. May 15, 2012 was the day the first set of volunteers arrived. Since that happened, they have rented out a different, slightly bigger complex, been able to feed the kids daily, give them water, hire teachers and a few staff for the orphanage and school, and rent a bigger volunteer house so more of us could help these wonderful people.
     But it doesn't stop there. Patrick has dreams for the children. He wants to move to a bigger place so their schoolhouse isn't so crowded and the kids can actually learn. He wants to start a crop farm and small fish farm so the children have that skill and can be self-sufficient. He would keep what they need from that and sell whats left to make a profit for them. He wants to have a bigger volunteer house because his "angels" deserve better. Yes, thats right, I always knew I was an angel (I kid...)!

Ghana Part 4

     You get really attached. It happens in the blink of an eye, but over time as well. You don't know what's happening till it hits you hard. My Michael is the best. He is three years old and tells you that quite proudly when asked. He has the best smile with his big lips and little baby teeth, and it's his smile that brings me back to reality when I've been home in my mind for too long. He plops his way over to me in the afternoons and hugs me with his little arms, wrapping them around my legs and says "Madame Kelly! Take Me!". So I lift him up and carry him to a spot where we sit and laugh and talk and play. Sometimes we just sit and cuddle and that's perfectly fine too. Yesterday he kept asking if I was coming tomorrow. I would kiss the top of his round head and say "Of course, Mr. Michael! I just love to spend time with you!" and tickle his belly and make him laugh with that gorgeous grin. He has a big boil on the tip top of his head and it popped yesterday, sending him into the deepest amount of pain his little body could handle and sending me back to the house with him to put toy story band aids over the hurt. With a smile and kiss, we walked back to the school hand in hand, never letting go once as he jumped over the big puddles and ditches in the dirt road. Michael likes to draw in the sand. I'm pretty sure he is left handed. I think he would make a great artist or architect. This morning I went to bathe the kids and feed them before school. Michael is really quiet in the morning and you could tell his little body was still waking up. He loves to try and wash himself, and he will be doing it in no time! Michael doesn't stray far from me. He will play with the other kids, or go and do something, but come back every few minutes to sit on my lap or give me a hug and then go play again. It was the same during lunch today as I was washing dishes. He kept just eating and walking around the dish area and looking and smiling at me. Before he left to class I gave him a hug and he told me to come to class with him. I wish I could spend all day with that little boy. It hurts to see him in pain and think of the love he is missing out on not growing up in a "real" family with a mommy and daddy to love and guide him individually and personally. If I were in the position to, I would take him back with me.
     There are other children I'm getting attached to as well. Two older boys - Albert and Prince - I just adore. Prince likes to come sit on my lap, although he is 10 I think. He comes up to me during lunch and just hugs me and rests his head on my arm and says "Hello Madame, How are you?" and we talk about school and what he wants to be when he grows up. He wants to be a banker. It took him forever to answer my question about what he wants to be. Prince has such a sweet spirit. He is protective of me and the sweetest boy ever! Albert has been with me since Day 1. He comes up to me and hugs me and takes pictures with me. He's the kind of kid who has confidence, but I think he has shallow self-esteem. He is not the leader, but what he does, he does with a sense of pride. He started to teach me Twi at the beginning of my time here, but since then we end up just playing together. Gideon is another one I have come to love more so than the others, but only more recently. We color and draw together. Today at lunch I said "Hello Gideon!" and he walked away with the biggest grin on his face. It's amazing what just some recognition can do for these kids.
     It's not just the kids here who I have become attached to - or the adults for that matter. The whole country and culture are beautiful. Get past the dirt and smells and you are in such a beautiful place. One of my favorite things is taking the tro home from Shoprite and seeing the lake (or ocean...I really have no sense of geography...) and all the green and palm trees around it. The fact that everyone here is so friendly and kind and willing to help add to the beauty of the land. It's graceful and peaceful. It captivates you and pulls you in. Once you go somewhere on your own, getting a cab and taking a tro by yourself or leading others who don't know how, it gives you a sense of pride. You feel like you are a part of the land and part of the people.
     The thought of being home in one week is unreal. I don't want to leave. I know the work I am doing here is so much more than the work I could be doing at home. It means more, is appreciated, is showing Christ-like love, and is teaching me immensely. I can't imagine going anywhere and loving it as much as I have grown to love Ghana. And the people :)

Me and My Michael

Albert!

Friday, May 24, 2013

Ghana Part 2

     I have found two of my favorite things here: the sweet morning time with my babies and doing laundry. I don't know if I touched on laundry in my last post, I'm too lazy to check, but I'll recap if I did. So you get powdered soap and two buckets, pour the soap in one and wash with a bar of soap as well, rinse, and hang up to dry. For me it takes about 40 minutes and it's been one of my favorite things to do here. It's so therapeutic for me. I listen to the neighborhood sounds, smell the clean soap smell, feel the cool breeze in the middle of the hot day, and reflect on being here.
     Being here grows on you fast. Saying hello and smiling to everyone and having them do it to you first reminds me so much of the south, but so much friendlier! I love my kids so much. Being with them means the world to me. So much so that when I leave this weekend for Cape Coast I will be so sad to not spend this afternoon and tomorrow and Sunday with them. The way of life here is so laid back. Time means nothing because it's the quality of the time spent that matters. Being with family and friends takes precedent over everything else.
     My other favorite thing is the morning with my babies. I am not a morning person. Repeat: I am not a morning person. And it took me a week to finally get up at 5 and pull the morning shift. But the past two days I have and it's been wonderful! After I finally wake up and come to my senses we are at the orphanage and all the little naked kids are running around showering. We bathe the younger kids, but getting their clothes together is chaotic and sometimes they don't like taking a bath(aka this morning Michael had an episode and refused to get in the tub and we had three people holding and washing him. Come to think of it, I think Princess was the same this morning). But it's the moments where they are sleepy or quiet and come rest their head on your lap and shoulder, want to be loved and have their backs rubbed, and have their tears dried that tug at my heart.
     I also love talking to the older girls. There are 5 or 6 of them that I've gotten pretty close to the past few days. They have dreams and goals and desires and I wish I could help give them every opportunity to see them reach those goals. The kids are starting to recognize me and remember my name, and it's the best feeling in the world to have a little voice call your name or smile because they know you.
     I'm learning and growing here so much too. I don't want to go back home. Home is scary because it means I have to live where time means money and money means wealth and wealth means success. I don't want to. I want to live here where being friendly, good, and giving your all to the Lord and your family are all that matters. I'm learning that my voice needs to be heard. I have a mind that thinks just as well as the person next to me, a heart that feels deeper than I can even recognize, and every opportunity to do what I want with my life. And I want to help. I want to help these kids realize that their dreams can be reality. I'm becoming me and it's the start of a truly incredible journey in my life. It feels good!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Ghana Part 1

   The first few days I told myself it was extended extreme summer camp. After my first night in Ghana and driving through the crazy and crowded streets to stay at the volunteer house it shook me up a little bit. I had 28 hours of traveling down and was on a completely different continent than everyone I know, with no one that I knew. But I had made some pretty cool friends and had a good time at orientation and such the next morning and next thing I knew I was put into the silver program of IVHQ working in Adom Nana at the West African Children Foundation here. It's dusty, not too pretty when you are looking just up the road. But in the distance are mountains and the beach is just 40 minutes away. You don't really go to Ghana for the neat Safari or the beautiful rainforest. You go to Ghana for the people - and man, the people are amazing. Everyone is beyond friendly and so willing to help you out.
    After the second day of getting into the routine, it's not summer camp. It's a life changing experience where time means nothing and what you have is great, but who you are is better. It's knowing the God gave you everything and loves you. It's giving all your love to these sweet children who are begging for just a bit of it.
     I guess most of you wonder what it's like here. Well it's not glamorous! I have a layer of sweat and dirt that is stained on me to look like a tan, despite the fact that we have showers here. Don't worry, I shower. But the water doesn't work half the time so we use buckets for showering instead. And we have a toilet! Awesome! And electricity! But sometimes it just randomly goes out. Our orphanage has 40-50 beautiful kids! A regular day will go like this:
  • Around 5:30 some of us will go bathe and feed the kids before school
  • We come home for breakfast of toast, eggs, or a combo of both!
  • Some volunteers go back to the school to teach, while others get chores done around the volunteer house or go into the market place. We read and relax and nap (it's time to gear up energy cause the kids suck it out of you!)
  • Around 11:30 we go back to the school to help get ready for lunch. Despite only 50 kids being at the orphanage, 200 come for school. Lunch is crazy and hectic and you better hope it's not something that requires the use of spoons (they only have about 40 ish spoons to go around). We need at least 7 volunteers to make lunch time run smoothly.
  • Then we come home and eat our lunch. It's a lot of carbs, so we will get ramen-type spiced up noodles, chicken and rice, or noodles in general with lots of fruit. It's pretty delicious most of the time. 
  • After lunch we have about an hour and a half before their school gets out so we talk and play games or read books and journal. 
  • We go back to the orphanage after their school and play with the kids for the next 3 hours before dinner. And those three hours are amazing, exhausting, and happy!
  • Then we come back for dinner and then hang out the rest of the night with our host family! Pretty great!

     So it looks like we have lots of down time, and I guess we do, but I've been pretty busy going to the grocery store(when you need a snickers, you need a snickers) and getting fabric, visiting the tailor, going into Accra or Kasoa, etc. It's so amazing here though. The kids are fantastic. They need so much love that you have to be willing to give your all to them the three hours you are with them in the afternoon. It's amazing and beautiful. Today it hit me though how hard it is for these kids to accomplish their dreams and feel the love and belonging we all need. I wish I could give them more than what I can and have to offer, but it's just not possible. It hurts, but it's such a blessing to be able to be with them for this short amount of time anyways!
     It's getting late here and I have to be up at 5 to bathe the kids, goodnight blogging world!

Monday, May 13, 2013

Blogging On A Plane

I could come up with all sorts of creative and adventurist titles for this post, but really life is the biggest adventure of all and this is just a blip in it. But a very deep blip. Yes, children, today - right now in fact- I am on a plane headed to Accra, Ghana, Africa (okay, you caught me, technically I'm on my way to London and THEN Accra. But it's just a technicality). I've dreamed of this for so long and it's here. This vague idea that has been crowding my head for years is turning tangible, although the biggest part will not be tangible.

Here's the Stitch: I am going to Ghana through a program called IVHQ (International Volunteer Headquarters). They partner with local nonprofits and place volunteers in the areas they are needed. So the exact locations of where I will be living for the next three weeks are pretty murky until Wednesday. I have asked to be placed in an orphanage with one of these nonprofits. I'll be living in either a volunteer house or a home stay with a local family and get the whole African experience.

This trip started forming back in March and it just so happens that at that point I became so busy that Africa felt like a far distant concept in my mind. Even the week before I left it still felt like a dream and I was merely going through the motions of obtaining a VISA, shopping, and packing. Just being excited because I knew it was going to happen, but not feeling the reality of it all. And then it hit. Saturday night. I was lying in bed, just thinking about what it would be like and it was overwhelming. I kid you not all the tears started flowing. The pictures I had seen became real. The stories, the people, the environment - it was real. I realized that I would be there. Me. There. In Africa. First the excitement jitters hit hard. And then the rest of that sentence kicked in - Next Week. And all the fears I had about the environment, people, culture, food, planes, and anything under the sun flooded my mind. "What am I even doing? Why am I going? I know nothing about these people! I hate bugs. What if the kids don't like me? Or the other volunteers?" and don't even get me started about the safety issue concerns that rose to my mind.

I felt weak, not suited for the job I had promised to do, and all out of courage. Although the thought of Africa was a distant one for the longest time, as people asked what I would do in certain situations and about different problems, these big concerns were brushed off and the shelf in my mind was cleared for memories and happy things about my trip. But all of a sudden the shelf was filled with the harsh ideas that could be my reality. And the shelf broke. Down came the blocks that held it up - my confidence and faith. And I struggled.

I struggled up until this morning. Sunday at church and my fathers blessing last night were the highlights of the weekend. I kept a happy face while talking about the exciting adventure I would embark on while masking the insecurities I felt about my ability to serve these children in a capacity in which they needed. But Sunday School held a very important lesson for me. Talking about spiritual gifts always makes me excited. It makes us all different and unique and I absolutely love it! I realized that the gifts I have that will be useful to these children will be mainly my love and faith. Having a Christ-like love for all is definitely a spiritual gift I desire to have. I really do have a Christ-like love for all, but sometimes my selfishness and desires creep in, allowing that gift to be blocked. Actually, a lot of times that is blocked. This trip will shake me to my bones. I am going to be giving these children my all. Because they deserve to have that given to them at least once in their lives. They don't have mothers and fathers to show them love and what being unselfish really means. They don't have parents to help them realize their potential and help bring them to the knowledge that they are so important in this world as unique children of God. They rely on the caretaker of the orphanage, who has sometimes up to 80 children to look after. Although I am only there for 3 weeks and they will forget my name and my face, I want them to remember that they felt Christ's love for them at some point in their lives. And I want to be the means through which they can plant that seed of love in their hearts.

I have always known I have been blessed with great Faith. I don't doubt that when I pray it is listened to by the Lord and will be answered in the best way possible according to His plan. I know that I am a daughter of God and I have been designed in His image and given the gifts and abilities that make me unique to helping His plan go through. I want these kids to know that. I want them to know that no matter what, it will all be okay; that even though they were born into these harsh circumstances, it always works out for the best.

To let these things happen and the Lord to work through me, I needed to remember the real reason I wanted to come. Yes, part of it was selfish. I wanted to get out and explore the world and see and do things people don't see and do on a regular basis. I wanted to be different and do something exciting with life. I wanted to learn and grow and know about myself. But if I just wanted to do that I could study abroad. I wanted to serve. I wanted to get down on my hands and knees and be put in these harsh circumstances because I've been so blessed in my life, I wanted to share my blessings with others. I wanted these children to realize they are amazing and capable of doing the impossible. I wanted them to have a good time and taste love from another person. I cannot replace their parents. No one can. But while they are living in these impoverished circumstances, I can help them be happy and learn. I can help expand their minds and nurture them with Christ's love. I know that He already shows them He loves them through so many ways I cannot wait to see, but the physical hug and physical person being there to listen and to talk to is a blessing I have been blessed with through my own family and very dear friends I consider family. These children are already blessed by being the most important thought the Lord has. I'm just selfish and want to feel like I have made the slightest difference. And apparently, going to Africa was the only way to do that in my mind.

I've learned that we can make a difference wherever we are. We don't need to fly to Accra and stay in an orphanage for three weeks. We can start in our own homes and give love to our family members who rely on us. We can start at our school by smiling, holding the door open, or going the extra mile and befriending those in need and being loyal friends to all the people we associate with as friends. We can start in our communities by volunteering and giving our time and efforts to organizations and churches that need our help. Africa just happened to be part of my big life adventure. And it's going to change me and the way I look at service from now on. It's going to change my view of the world from now on. Although I feel inadequate because of my lack of certain traits, I feel strong and brave because my Father in Heaven wants the best for these children more. I feel blessed that He trusts me enough to use me as His hands in this country and small village to help touch the lives of His precious children. I feel honored that He would allow me the ability to grow and learn and progress in life.

Please keep me and the children I am serving in your prayers for the next three weeks! Thank you for all the support and love and guidance! Three weeks is such a short amount of time and I will be back home before you even knew I left!

Also, sorry this post was deathly long. I guess a 9 hour flight after not talking to anyone for 7 hours really takes its toll...If you made it this far, congrats!



Wednesday, March 27, 2013

And I Quote

Just some of my favorite quotes from the past few weeks!

"Choices are sacrifices. Inevitably, that means giving up something you want for something you want more."
"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.""Rather than dwelling on the past, we should make the most of today, of the here and now, doing all we can to provide pleasant memories for the future." -President Thomas S. Monson
"Being with him made my brain quiet. I didn't have to invent a thing" 
"We must constantly remind ourselves that He is God and that we are not" - Jeffrey R. Holland
"You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage - pleasantly, smiling, non apologetically - to say 'no' to other things. And the way to do that is by having a bigger 'yes' burning inside" - Stephen Covey
"When someone else's happiness is your happiness, that is love"
"Never forget, even for an instant, who you serve and who is in charge." - Elder Oaks
"You don't have to have it all worked out to move forward"
"You can be excellent in every way. You can be first class. There is no need for you to be a scrub. Respect yourself. Do not feel sorry for yourself. Do not dwell on unkind things others may say about you. Polish and refine whatever talents the Lord has given you. Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great and strong purpose in your heart. Love life and look for its opportunities." - Gordon B. Hinckley
"Men and Women who turn their lives over to God will discover the He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He can deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, and pour out peace" - Ezra Taft Benson
"Some people are old at 18 and some are young at 90. Time is a concept humans created."
Love. This. Movie. "So it's not going to be easy. It's going to be really hard. And we're going to have to work at this every day. But I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, every day." - The Notebook (SWOON)
"Think of all the beauty still around you and be happy" - Anne Frank.


(I don't know why the format came out this way...it just did...)

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Belated Birthday Post!

   Woohoo I'm 20! haha I didn't think I would feel much older, and to be honest the label year of "20" doesn't make me feel older. Okay..maybe a little. It's the things I'm doing with life and the upcoming events that make me feel old. Because my birthday is in the spring (okay so it's still -2 degrees outside but in my head I'm at the beach), it's when I do more planning. I have had a few pretty heavy things weighing on my mind recently, and it's caused me to reflect back on the people in my life (read the previous blog post if you want to hear some MAJOR sappiness ooooozing from this blogger) and I am filled with gratitude for the experiences, both good and bad, opportunities, and people who have filled my life.
Look, I know this is a random spot but the blog site wouldn't let me move it. It's stuck. But here is me and Soph at Cheesecake Factory!
     Besides that, I'm pretty darn excited for being twenty. Let me just tell you some of the fun things I have planned: The Color Run next weekend wifff Lizzy, Africa in May, just being part of the Chariots still and hopefully for the rest of my college experience, getting past most of my general education requirements so I can finally focus on my legit classes for Communications and Anthropology, going to General Conference for the first time, Trek (hopefully), getting an apartment apartment (with a real oven and fridge...not the rip off kind in my dorm now), just having fun and being with the people I love! And some of these might be tweaked or taken off the list, and things will be added and some not so great things will happen, but I know that everything happens for a reason and my plans are not as good as whatever God has planned for my life! Go with the flow, man.(say it like a hippie would.)
    So lemme back up real quick and tell you about the birthdayyyyy! It was small and simple and wonderful:) I got some clothes from my family and I love them and we went to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. I fell in love all over again. Even though it was an hour drive and an hour and a half wait it was totally worth it (not sure if everyone else thought so but I did!). Also I got a beautiful new scarf and an awesome "inspiration box" from Jennifer and Liz. I love them.
    Aaaand let me fast forward now:) So I've had ideas rolling around in my head of goals for the summer for me because it'll probably be the last one I get to spend NOT having to do summer class. So I wrote a list of summer goals I want to complete. It's just a list of things I want to accomplish and will help prepare me for more of life's adventures and make me a better person. And have fun. I've realized that I get so busy now that by the end of the day I just want to let my head go to static channel and fall asleep. I love the things that keep me busy, but I need to take breaks and make time for fun. It's unhealthy to go days without busting your gut laughing! So here is my summer goal list:
1. Run a 5k by the end
2. Make enough $ for textbooks in the fall (but really...)
3. Be my dogs best friend
4. Get out in the sun!
5. Keep up with French
6. Have Fun EVERYDAY
7. Keep a gratitude journal with me
8. Learn to budget and stick to it
9. Compile A Cookbook and try the recipes!
10. Keep a picture of Christ and pass along cards with me
11. Work on Musicianship
12. Actually practice the piano

    Well my blog posts usually end up longer than I think...cause I tend to talk a lot and ramble, so here's the end! And some pictures to enjoy! Have a fantastic week!

Birthday Dinner! And new shirt and sweater:)

Kevin and I while they sang "Happy Birthday" to me. Take note that he is not singing...

Oh nothing, just the fried macaroni and cheese burger bigger than my face. That was delicious.

Liz and I at Jack's first home baseball game! Freezing.

Monday, February 25, 2013

A "Happy Birthday Thank You" Post




I know my birthday isn't until Saturday, but I couldn't help but be so overwhelmingly grateful for the people who have been there for me this past year and I don't know how to express to them my love and gratitude for them like they deserve. There really is no way to make up for all the love and friendship they have shown me this past year. These aren't going to be very long cause there are quite a few, but it's just a smidgeon of what's in my heart. I'm sappy. So here we go with some MAJOR shout outs!

1. Hayley: I loved our crazy, random, hilarious times together and her infectious laugh is the best! Just a few favorites: watch the pinterest hairstyles and polar express chats. She also is an amazing example of true optimism. Thanks Hayley for so much knowing how to get me out of my comfort zone and being the best person to go to when I've had a bad day. And she laughs at my jokes sometimes.
I wasn't about to scroll through our millions of nonsense pictures. So we are stuck with this one

2. Matt: He's been on a mission for our church for the past year now, but even so we keep in touch through emails. I miss him like crazy and I try to email as much as possible, but hearing his letters back home always give me strength to go through my week. When he gets the chance to respond to mine it makes me feel so filled with the spirit and so grateful for an amazing cousin. I cannot wait till he comes back home!
Before Matty left!

3. Matthew: Today was kind of rough. Matthew is being set apart tonight as a missionary for our church. This means I had my last phone call with him for two years. He has always been someone I can count on to give me good advice, make sure I'm smiling, and really reminds me of how much I am worth. He's been the best friend that everyone should have and I'm grateful he could be mine! Argentina is going to have one great missionary for the next two years!
we don't judge that this was two years ago and we haven't taken a picture since.

4. Rae: Oh my goodness between this summer when I got to come visit for a week and our failed skype attempts but lots of phone calls, we've kept in touch. And best friends. I don't know what I would have done without your support from across the continent and across the world this year! You have a way of reminding me of the simple things in life and to take it easy. You are such an example to me of being strong and determined. Thanks for listening to me rant and for being weird with me.
You get two pictures because one is our inside us
And one is our outside us. It was almost the horsicorn pic.












5.Jennifer: Basically like another big sister! Apparently I can never have too many of them :) You are so welcoming and inviting and I love it! I'm so happy you have become part of my family basically this year. You were one of my first friends in the YSA and I cannot thank you enough for welcoming me with open arms. Party Rock For Life. You are so down to earth and have such a level head and I totally wish I had that haha. You also are always willing to go on another adventure and keep an open mind and an open heart. Thanks for dancing wif me and showing me the real way southern people talk.
To prove the sister point

6. Liz: Seriously though, what can I say? You were my first VT companion! And this summer with you was a blast!! Pool days and movies and Georgia and concerts and pinterest and the beach! You are so open and so funny (you know you are funny, so it's not like I really had to say it...). You have a way of lightening everyone's mood when you are around and the most infectious laugh! Thanks for being there to listen, being loving, and being a good sport with my dumb, yet hilarious, jokes!
Yes.


7. Kevin: So. You've always been the one to set my head back on straight. Does that make sense or did I use the wrong metaphor (Liz, correct me)? Either way, you remind me to take deep breaths and take everything a day at a time, which I need a lot when I get stressed and you always give the best advice. You've been such a blessing to my family- I'm pretty sure they like you better- and such a blessing to me. Your example of charity and Christ-like love are so powerful, I don't even think you understand. Thanks for having the patience to put up with me and for actually smiling a little bit when I really am funny :)
It's sad that this is our only picture together. At least you smiled!

8. Kelsey: Dearest, you have been there for me like no other. You have been so patient and loving with me and really try to understand what I am trying to say. You listen to my thoughts and my emotions and you help me get through my problems and doubts. Thank you for always talking to me when I walk back from rehearsal and singing with me too :)
Just this picture makes my life.

9. My Siblings: If I included every single one of you on here I would have 15 people on here and at least another 2 hours to write this post! You guys are amazing. Each one of you is so unique and so talented. You all have the light of Christ that just shines through and hits me like a ton of bricks whenever I see you. You are examples of strength, wisdom, diligence, kindness, and thoughtfulness. Overall, you guys are love. I am so blessed I get to be with you guys through eternity and that I was lucky enough to learn from you my whole life so far and my many years to come!
5 pictures is a lot so I had to go with the most recent of us all togetha!

10. Dad: I literally only typed that one word, "dad" and started crying. You are so amazing. You honor your priesthood so that any time I need a blessing I can come to you. You are so smart and so willing to help others. You're hilarious, which I hate that I didn't realize until a few years ago, and so definitely the best dad in the entire world!
Always a daddy's girl!

11. Mom: Well. You're my best friend. I honestly don't know where I would be without your love and your guidance this year. You are an amazing person, and an even more amazing mother. Yes, the grammer nazi, but an amazing mother. You always know what to say and make everyone laugh. I just don't know what else to say because nothing is good enough to express what you mean to me. Thanks for giving me the ultimate gift and reason why I'm writing this post-LIFE. Even though you didn't want to look at me. It's okay, I was probably switched out for a half asian baby anyways.

You would get a picture too but you don't let me take any of you :(

So these are the most amazing people in my life who have been beyond the best influences this year. They've been crazy enough to stick through the craziness that is me and come out to love me anyways, and I couldn't be more thankful. There are not enough presents that could replace these wonderful people in my life! I love you!!














Saturday, February 23, 2013

Because I'm Exhausted...Again

     I've always been one to give my life to the Lord and let Him do what He wants with me and put me where I need to be, but recently I've found it so hard to do. I have found things that I want so much and I'm not exactly sure how easy it's going to be to give them up. Actually, take that back, I know it's going to be hard. And it doesn't mean that I won't end up with them, but I need to be more willing to submit myself to the best plan-God's plan for me. There are so many decisions right now that I need to make and they aren't small ones either.. which makes it fifty times harder. BUT that's when I stick through it and am reminded that I want the best plan possible, so I'm holding out for that one!
     So that's been my big life thing this past week. This coming week is (drumroll please) BIRTHDAY WEEK! That's right, kiddos! A week from today I will be turning 20 years old. I will have made it through the teens and officially old. Okay, well, older. Every other year during birthday week..or month, which ever way it turns out, I've basically begged for early birthday presents. This year I'm not so much focused on the presents but I want to be pampered and pamper myself. So hopefully, despite my busy and crazy week (I think at this point all of my weeks are busy and crazy), I will get to relax a little and get my nails done and maybe my hair and who knows what else will happen but just take a breather! I can't believe I'm going to be 20 but at the same time it feels completely normal. Weird.
       You guys I think I'm pretty boring this week...more so than other weeks, but it applies the same! I'll probably write more later this week when I'm more talkative so good luck.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Such A Sap

So, life is amazing and funny. And I love it! I have been so blessed these past few weeks. The Chariots have become more like family and I've had such a great time performing with them. Our competition (ICCA) at Duke tonight went SO WELL! For only being in the group for 4 weeks, some unexpected things happened that didn't "throw" us (see how I put the fortune in there!), and tonssss of new music, we. did. fantastic. I couldn't be more proud of my C family! We have each others backs and always know how to have a good time:) Thanks for being so welcoming to me and the other new girls!
I also have an amazing and supportive family and friends. They are seriously the best people in the entire world!! I love knowing I can talk to them about the exciting things in my life and I love hearing about the exciting things in theirs! They know how to make me laugh, will chuckle at my really really bad attempts at being funny, and being with them automatically lifts me up and makes me happy. AND they put up with my endless A.D.D. issues and crazy life and crazy mind. Thanks for being such great friends to me, guys!
My family always makes me feel loved whenever I walk in the door. I come home so often, but every time I get hugs and hellos and if I am really lucky I'll get bacon. The love that is shared in my family is a bond I am so looking forward to having with my future family and relationships that I don't take for granted! They are the best examples in my life and the people I look to for love and encouragement when I need it most.
Life in general is crazy, and the best way to deal with it is look at the positives. Life gets hectic. Life gets hard. And sometimes life gets ridiculous and stupid. But you know what? Life gets crazy. Life gives you laugh lines and that pain that you get from laughing too hard and you can't breathe and you hate it but it is the best feeling in the world feeling. Life gives you friends. Life gives you family. Life gives you people you cannot replace. Life gives you moments of pure joy. And the best part is that the good always outweighs the bad. No matter how crappy life seems at the moment, it's so amazing to see how much good is left when you step away from the bad. So thank you, everyone, for being there for me and loving me when I need it most. Thanks for giving me the positive things to look forward to every day. And thank you for your bright and smiling faces that ALWAYS cheer me up! Life is aca-awesome.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Little Lines Only Certain People Will Understand

- the downpayment is almost in. my dreams are coming true!

- the single "na" is the hardest part of any "da"-"na" sequence.

- chapter summaries are the devil.

- some days I just really want it back. I miss one big part of my life a year ago.

- apparently I need...lessons on being angry

- I'm ready.

- Get it right, get it tight!

- Decisions, decisions.

- Valentines day this year=chariots rehearsal..nothing like last year and I guess I have to be okay with that!

- Optimism is key. Optimism is key. Optimism is key.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Tunes

So every now and again I'll find just an odd assortment of songs that I can't stop listening to...this is the playlist for the past few days!

"I Wanna Dance With Somebody" - Ben Rector (He's coming to Charlotte in March or April...and my birthday is coming up...hint hint!)

"All I Ever Need"- Nikki Reed and Paul McDonald. He was on American Idol a few years ago, she plays Rosalie in "Twilight" and guess what...they are actually married which adds to the good vibes and emotion in this song.

"What Are Words"-Chris Medina. Just one of the best wedding songs ever that will brighten any day!

Aaaand on the flip side- "I Can't Make You Love Me"-Bonnie Raitt. The most beautiful and perfect sad song. This song literally makes me feel every emotion, and probably a different one every time I listen. Sometimes I feel really happy and just loved and blessed. And sometimes I feel comforted. Sometimes I feel flat out sad...the way most people see this song. Either way, her voice just floats along these notes and the words are just stripped of any sugar coating. It's raw.

"When I Was Your Man"-Bruno Mars. He is a hit and miss for me. I love his voice, but some of his songs and lyrics I can't stand. This song I actually love. It reminds me that everyone deserves to be loved in the best way possible. My favorite line is "My pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways caused a good strong woman like you to walk out of my life". Probably because it's the absolute most relate-able thing in this song. Something else I pull from it is take chances and give it all you have. Relationships are give and take. Dang, Bruno's getting deep. Maybe I am cause it's 2 a.m.

"Radioactive"-Imagine Dragons. Because sometimes you just need a good, strong chorus and beat to feel awake!

"Hit em up Style"-Blue Cantrell. Sometimes you just need this. Yes.


Do you see how random my collection of current music is now? Enjoy!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

One of Those Random Posts

     Yes this one will be random. It's an eclectic collection of my thoughts the past few weeks so here we go.
     I have literally had "Grenade" or "1957" stuck in my head everyday all day for the past 2 weeks. And guess what? Now "Numb/My Breath" is added to that little collection. Oh, and "Accidentally in Love". Thank you, Chariots!
     Stairs are never a good thing. Have you ever seen something good going down in a stairwell? No. It's always murders and people chasing with guns and men snatching little girls. They also trip you no matter what way you are going. Evil.
     There's a cat that I saw last night by Bojangles and I named him Bo. But I didn't touch him because sometimes they are crazy cats. But his fur is the same color as their chicken and he's fat.
     My car smells like cheese. I don't keep actual food in my car. I don't know how it smells like cheese or why but if anyone wants to clean my car for me I would gladly let them. Stinky cheese.
     Here's the thing about French: It's dumb. Nothing looks like how it sounds and nothing makes logical sense. At least I made an A on my first quiz.
     Chariots Boot Camp was this past Saturday. AKA I died from 9-5. Singing and dancing all day! I like to do those things, but it was a very very long day. But guess what people. ICCA IS IN 11 DAYS! EEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!!
     Also we had a guy from Fix-it come in to fix our toilet and shower (we had some sort of a leak from the wall apparently and our showerhead was about to fall off and our shower curtain was too short because we had to buy it cause our dorm is the loser and didn't automatically get one and it's the farthest from the water heater so we don't get hot water all the time) (and when you flushed the toilet you had to wait an hour for someone else to use it because it wouldn't stop making noises).
     Can I just take a moment to say that it is February? Because it's already February. It was just barely Christmas.
     My birthday is less than a month away. WHOOPDEDOO! I have changed my plans from going to the zoo to going to the Virginia Safari Park, Foamhenge, and a bunch of those awesome places in Virginia. The week after my birthday but it's okay!
     K have a great week! I'll leave you with a picture of me and da chariots.