Thanks Rafiki and the Lion King for the advice. Pretty much my entire life I've been interested in the "Why" in people. Why do they act the way they act, say the things they say, what makes them think the thoughts they have? Digging deeper-what makes them who they are? What are the tiny turning points, or the major ones, that created the person standing in front of me?
I'll be the first to admit, asking questions and follow up questions are not my strongest suit, but I'm becoming more and more intrigued. My old philosophy was don't ask. It's okay not to know and for them to not tell you, but accept them anyways and you'll figure it out eventually. Now, my philosophy is ask questions and if they want to tell you they will. Either way, I think the past is important.
The tricky thing is to not judge of the past. I have actually never had this problem. Everyone makes mistakes and it comes naturally for me to forgive and move on and focus on the person they are now. There have been experiences in my life where I've been hurt and I find it so easy to forgive and I know the Lord has blessed me with this ability.
What brought this to my attention was the pool. I was out today at my friends apartment and all of a sudden, there was screaming and crying. I felt awful for the people who got hurt and knowing that it would take a lot of time for her to heal. I had no idea what the situation was, but not too long ago I was the girl bawling my eyes out(I can never yell at people when I get mad. I just hole up and shut my mouth. That's how you know I'm angry) and feeling hurt. Theeeen her screaming got ridiculous and about sandwhiches and although the empathy was still there, it lost a little credibility..haha. But that principle stayed in my mind. This was one of those experiences that would probably shape her.
I have a visual mind. I come up with things and interpret them through little pictures in my head. One is of a Kaleidoscope Heart. We start off our lives with our heart a certain color. But as we go through life, fall in love, have our hearts broken, break down on our knees, are filled with charity, serve others, we lose pieces of our heart and have little holes. These gaps are then filled with other peoples pieces of their color that they gave to us, service shown to us, love from our Heavenly Father, and happy moments. In the end we have a beautiful mosaic, work of art. We have a heart that is colorful, full of life, broken and mended in different places, no two exactly alike.
I think pasts are a beautiful thing we can learn from. I haven't felt like I have a very exciting past or life so far, but the people I've met and their life's experiences and the perspective they give me has been something that has shaped me. You can learn from how people pull out of these things and how they grow and become who they are. It's an incredible thing to see just another piece falling into place, and know the growing experience never ends and to hopefully be a part of theirs.
I think one of the best quotes I've ever heard is from Elizabeth Kubler Ros who said
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
I have had the opportunity to meet many beautiful people in my life who have taught me all these things and more. My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends, and neighbors. This life isn't easy, it wasn't supposed to be. It's how we shape ourselves and pick up the pieces that counts. Learning from the past.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
What I Want To Be...And How I Got To The Conclusion.
This weekend I took a day trip to Wilmington with my cousin Marianne. It was incredibly fun and it's been a while since I've laughed that hard! I forgot how much fun she is and I know I forgot how much I love the beach. I'm just dying to go back already!
When I came back, I had come to terms with everything and the way my life is right now. I'm still in Greensboro. I'm going back to my old job from last school year/summer. I still live at home. I had a once in a lifetime opportunity to go to Australia for 6 months but turned it down. These are all the negative feelings I had been carrying around with me for a while now. It gets to you and it's unhealthy. Somewhere this weekend, between a relaxing day at one of my favorite places and a sacrament meeting at church that felt like it was meant for me, I realized that I am exactly where I need to be. I've had this realization before a few times, but I was in need of it desperately at this point. I needed something to pick me back up and say "It's okay you are not where you wanted to be at this point in your life. You are exactly where you need to be". I needed that more than ever.
So tonight I was thinking about how I don't want to be the girl who stays in Greensboro forever. I don't want to be the kind of person who wastes their potential because they were too scared to take the chances. I've had so many chances pass me by, I don't want to let more of them go. I'm fighting between my eagerness to get out into the world and see things; experience life; learn and grow from others and cultures and see the world, and the feeling that I know that is the Lord just telling me to calm down for a minute, I'm only nineteen and these chances will come in the Lord's time.
I made a list of what I want. I realize that the Lord will bless me with these things in His own time and His own way, if these are even my blessings in this life, but I have to remember to keep Him first. Here's the list: travel, marriage. That's pretty much it. Everything I want in life is summed up those two words. I want to see things most people will never get the chance to see. I want to meet people who live in a completely different culture and have completely different systems. I want to connect on a personal basis with amazing people from around the globe. But I also want a family. I want to cook a delicious dinner for my husband and family and be the domestic person I never thought I wanted to be. I want to teach my children to love the gospel and rely on the Lord and work hard. I want to go through trials with my husband right beside me and Heavenly Father leading the way.
I'm just so eager and feel so ready to take on the world! It's so hard for me to sit here waiting for the green light. But I have have have to be patient. I have to sit this one out and keep praying about these opportunities that come by. I have to pray diligently for those opportunities and that I can be ready. I have to study my scriptures and learn from the examples in there. I have to forget myself and serve others because I have been so incredibly blessed. I have to remember to live as Christ would and keep myself thinking only of perfection. This is the only way I can get there, but sure enough, I'll get there.
This post really didn't mean to turn out like this. I just started with a simple little thought and it turned into a super long, calming note to myself...which I'm pretty sure that's what this entire blog is anyways:)
When I came back, I had come to terms with everything and the way my life is right now. I'm still in Greensboro. I'm going back to my old job from last school year/summer. I still live at home. I had a once in a lifetime opportunity to go to Australia for 6 months but turned it down. These are all the negative feelings I had been carrying around with me for a while now. It gets to you and it's unhealthy. Somewhere this weekend, between a relaxing day at one of my favorite places and a sacrament meeting at church that felt like it was meant for me, I realized that I am exactly where I need to be. I've had this realization before a few times, but I was in need of it desperately at this point. I needed something to pick me back up and say "It's okay you are not where you wanted to be at this point in your life. You are exactly where you need to be". I needed that more than ever.
So tonight I was thinking about how I don't want to be the girl who stays in Greensboro forever. I don't want to be the kind of person who wastes their potential because they were too scared to take the chances. I've had so many chances pass me by, I don't want to let more of them go. I'm fighting between my eagerness to get out into the world and see things; experience life; learn and grow from others and cultures and see the world, and the feeling that I know that is the Lord just telling me to calm down for a minute, I'm only nineteen and these chances will come in the Lord's time.
I made a list of what I want. I realize that the Lord will bless me with these things in His own time and His own way, if these are even my blessings in this life, but I have to remember to keep Him first. Here's the list: travel, marriage. That's pretty much it. Everything I want in life is summed up those two words. I want to see things most people will never get the chance to see. I want to meet people who live in a completely different culture and have completely different systems. I want to connect on a personal basis with amazing people from around the globe. But I also want a family. I want to cook a delicious dinner for my husband and family and be the domestic person I never thought I wanted to be. I want to teach my children to love the gospel and rely on the Lord and work hard. I want to go through trials with my husband right beside me and Heavenly Father leading the way.
I'm just so eager and feel so ready to take on the world! It's so hard for me to sit here waiting for the green light. But I have have have to be patient. I have to sit this one out and keep praying about these opportunities that come by. I have to pray diligently for those opportunities and that I can be ready. I have to study my scriptures and learn from the examples in there. I have to forget myself and serve others because I have been so incredibly blessed. I have to remember to live as Christ would and keep myself thinking only of perfection. This is the only way I can get there, but sure enough, I'll get there.
This post really didn't mean to turn out like this. I just started with a simple little thought and it turned into a super long, calming note to myself...which I'm pretty sure that's what this entire blog is anyways:)
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Just The Baby Steps
P90X is completely kicking my butt, but I love it! I had forgotten how great it feels to be so sore and be happy with the work out you did that day. It's just one thing that I've been meaning to do for a while...a long while, but never got around to doing because it didn't seem so important. Turns out that it was.
I haven't been myself for a while. Let's face it, everyone goes through those times where they just don't feel comfortable, don't feel like themselves, judge themselves and others too quickly, and is plain broken for a bit. Well that's been me for the past two months and you never see it coming till you turn around and look one day at who you are and who you were-not that I'm unhappy with who I was. I know the changes I should have made and chose not to make them.
But I'm turning that around now. I'm doing things for me because they make me happy. We all need those few things in life that just make us happy to be ourselves. I went in to the nursing home to fill out my volunteer paperwork and get a tour and let me just say that I felt amazing walking down those halls(granted I got lost a few times!) knowing that I was going to be helping in probably the slightest of ways. This was what I needed to do a long time ago. The great thing about life is that it's never too late to start. That was my lesson I learned this week. It is never too late to start thinking of others, be humbled, learn, and share. So I started. I'm going back tomorrow and Friday and will probably get a rhythm going next week with more regular times and I AM SO EXCITED!
Another thing is the P90X. I've never been a sporty-athletic person. If I had kept with soccer when I was 7, maybe. If I had ever let my mom put me in a tutu instead of running around in my batman cape at 5, maybe. But I wouldn't be who I am today if I had made those choices. Instead, I've always found a love in exercise. I am the worst at being consistent! So the whole P90X thing is a great way for me to start! They say after 21 days of doing something consistently it becomes a habit, so 90 days should be an awesome experience! As long as I push it through these first 21:) Like I said earlier, I love being sore. I love knowing I am working hard and pushing my body more than I thought I could. I love sweating out the stress and not being able to walk after. I just love it. I feel more confident in myself because I know I can make it through an hour of an extreme work out. And that's another thing I needed- my confidence back.
Those two things along with my gratitude journal starting back up have made the past two days completely different than I've been feeling this past month. I feel alive again. I feel like I can conquer the world-they way I should feel. I've stopped sweating the small things, worrying about my life plans, what other people think, and holding onto my own expectations. I am not completely healed yet, nothing can do that except time. But I'm doing everything in my power-holding up my end of the bargain-and soon enough, I will not be as fragile. And doing these things are getting me there faster, even in just these baby steps!
Now to get to bed since I have some yoga to do at 7 in tha morning!
I haven't been myself for a while. Let's face it, everyone goes through those times where they just don't feel comfortable, don't feel like themselves, judge themselves and others too quickly, and is plain broken for a bit. Well that's been me for the past two months and you never see it coming till you turn around and look one day at who you are and who you were-not that I'm unhappy with who I was. I know the changes I should have made and chose not to make them.
But I'm turning that around now. I'm doing things for me because they make me happy. We all need those few things in life that just make us happy to be ourselves. I went in to the nursing home to fill out my volunteer paperwork and get a tour and let me just say that I felt amazing walking down those halls(granted I got lost a few times!) knowing that I was going to be helping in probably the slightest of ways. This was what I needed to do a long time ago. The great thing about life is that it's never too late to start. That was my lesson I learned this week. It is never too late to start thinking of others, be humbled, learn, and share. So I started. I'm going back tomorrow and Friday and will probably get a rhythm going next week with more regular times and I AM SO EXCITED!
Another thing is the P90X. I've never been a sporty-athletic person. If I had kept with soccer when I was 7, maybe. If I had ever let my mom put me in a tutu instead of running around in my batman cape at 5, maybe. But I wouldn't be who I am today if I had made those choices. Instead, I've always found a love in exercise. I am the worst at being consistent! So the whole P90X thing is a great way for me to start! They say after 21 days of doing something consistently it becomes a habit, so 90 days should be an awesome experience! As long as I push it through these first 21:) Like I said earlier, I love being sore. I love knowing I am working hard and pushing my body more than I thought I could. I love sweating out the stress and not being able to walk after. I just love it. I feel more confident in myself because I know I can make it through an hour of an extreme work out. And that's another thing I needed- my confidence back.
Those two things along with my gratitude journal starting back up have made the past two days completely different than I've been feeling this past month. I feel alive again. I feel like I can conquer the world-they way I should feel. I've stopped sweating the small things, worrying about my life plans, what other people think, and holding onto my own expectations. I am not completely healed yet, nothing can do that except time. But I'm doing everything in my power-holding up my end of the bargain-and soon enough, I will not be as fragile. And doing these things are getting me there faster, even in just these baby steps!
Now to get to bed since I have some yoga to do at 7 in tha morning!
Monday, May 14, 2012
As Of Lately
Just some things I've been up to/thinking about that felt necessary to document!
1. Went mudding for the first time with Jason, Seth, and Caitlin! It was a little bit too soft and the puddle/lake thing was too high to go far in, but we'll get another chance:)
2. Thursday night I played kickball for the first time in 9 years the other night! I might have struck out every single time I went to the plate and played left field all game, but I PLAYED! (Thanks Jennifer and Amanda:) )
3. Started P90X today. Yeah I almost died. Apparently it was a back and chest work out, but I ended up working my arms...at least something got worked on? But Jason and I have a bet so now I have to finish.
4. I got an email back from the volunteer coordinators at a Nursing Home! I'm super excited. Now to email the refugee center and the soup kitchen:)
5. I'm trying my hardest to get myself closer with the Lord. I didn't finish the Book of Mormon challenge set out by the Stake Presidency, but I've been steadily reading and keeping myself on track. I'm pretty sure it is going to take a lot more effort than what I'm putting in, but I will keep adding new things each week and stretching myself to be more like Christ. Something I really need to work on is putting myself in other people's shoes. I'll get there some day!
6. The Avengers is awesome.
7. Gabbs stayed home from school today because she didn't feel good this morning. When I got there at 1, she admitted she was faking and proceeded to run around and scream because of the lack of socialization earlier that day. When I have children, they will go to school unless they are contagious or throwing up.
1. Went mudding for the first time with Jason, Seth, and Caitlin! It was a little bit too soft and the puddle/lake thing was too high to go far in, but we'll get another chance:)
2. Thursday night I played kickball for the first time in 9 years the other night! I might have struck out every single time I went to the plate and played left field all game, but I PLAYED! (Thanks Jennifer and Amanda:) )
3. Started P90X today. Yeah I almost died. Apparently it was a back and chest work out, but I ended up working my arms...at least something got worked on? But Jason and I have a bet so now I have to finish.
4. I got an email back from the volunteer coordinators at a Nursing Home! I'm super excited. Now to email the refugee center and the soup kitchen:)
5. I'm trying my hardest to get myself closer with the Lord. I didn't finish the Book of Mormon challenge set out by the Stake Presidency, but I've been steadily reading and keeping myself on track. I'm pretty sure it is going to take a lot more effort than what I'm putting in, but I will keep adding new things each week and stretching myself to be more like Christ. Something I really need to work on is putting myself in other people's shoes. I'll get there some day!
6. The Avengers is awesome.
7. Gabbs stayed home from school today because she didn't feel good this morning. When I got there at 1, she admitted she was faking and proceeded to run around and scream because of the lack of socialization earlier that day. When I have children, they will go to school unless they are contagious or throwing up.
Mother's Day
My mom has taught me a lot. I'm pretty sure everyone can say that about their moms, but what gets me every Mother's Day is how we all have the moms we have for a reason. It sounds kind of silly to say it just like that, but sometimes we forget that our souls and spirits are not sent to a different mom. Yes this all could sound incredibly wrong because I can't find the right words, so I hope you catch my non-stupid drift.
So let me say that my mom is my best friend. This year has been one of the hardest for us(which says a lot if you knew me when I was younger). First I graduated High School. I loved that I could torment her by blasting songs like "My Little Girl", "Don't Forget to Remember Me", and "The Best Day" and just the opening chord could make her eyes well up with tears. I hated that after I listened and laughed at my mom for crying I would go to my room and secretly cry a tear or two.
After the graduation hype passed and it set in that I would still be living here in the fall, it actually happened. School started and as I started to change, our relationship changed. It was hurt by the blow of my need for independence and my mothers want to always keep me her little girl. Not only that, but my opinions about what I wanted to do with my life and who I wanted to become and the people I would surround myself with changed. I had messed with the plans we had made together just a few short months ago. Neither of us do well with change, not many people do. But we worked together to get through it and figure things out. She still supported me through everything and all my back and forth decisions.
Now I'm facing and have faced a few major decisions to make and she has definitely guided me, but has also given me my independence, and to be cliche here, given me the wings to go fly on my own.
My mother has been with me through everything. She's been my best friend. We pretty much describe our relationship as Rory and Lorelie from Gilmore Girls. She is the most caring, funny, confident, and heartfelt woman. She is humble and self-less and thoroughly enjoys being a mother. Through her actions and her words, I've learned so much from this amazing woman and I can only hope that one day my testimony will be as strong as hers and I can be half the mother she is. I am so thankful for the endless love she has shown me, her beautiful lullaby voice, her humor that gets me through the day, the courage she has to speak her opinion, the time and effort she has sacrificed for my sake. Some of the best things I remember are the cookies on a stick EVERY YEAR for birthdays, coming to every night of my school performances and concerts, singing me to sleep, rubbing my back, giving advice, and telling me how proud she is of me. I'm grateful for everything she does and the way she lives her life. I love you mom!
"There is no greater good in all the world than motherhood. The influence of a mother in the lives of her children is beyond calculation." -James E. Faust
p.s. I know it's a day late, I'm not a terrible daughter!
So let me say that my mom is my best friend. This year has been one of the hardest for us(which says a lot if you knew me when I was younger). First I graduated High School. I loved that I could torment her by blasting songs like "My Little Girl", "Don't Forget to Remember Me", and "The Best Day" and just the opening chord could make her eyes well up with tears. I hated that after I listened and laughed at my mom for crying I would go to my room and secretly cry a tear or two.
After the graduation hype passed and it set in that I would still be living here in the fall, it actually happened. School started and as I started to change, our relationship changed. It was hurt by the blow of my need for independence and my mothers want to always keep me her little girl. Not only that, but my opinions about what I wanted to do with my life and who I wanted to become and the people I would surround myself with changed. I had messed with the plans we had made together just a few short months ago. Neither of us do well with change, not many people do. But we worked together to get through it and figure things out. She still supported me through everything and all my back and forth decisions.
Now I'm facing and have faced a few major decisions to make and she has definitely guided me, but has also given me my independence, and to be cliche here, given me the wings to go fly on my own.
My mother has been with me through everything. She's been my best friend. We pretty much describe our relationship as Rory and Lorelie from Gilmore Girls. She is the most caring, funny, confident, and heartfelt woman. She is humble and self-less and thoroughly enjoys being a mother. Through her actions and her words, I've learned so much from this amazing woman and I can only hope that one day my testimony will be as strong as hers and I can be half the mother she is. I am so thankful for the endless love she has shown me, her beautiful lullaby voice, her humor that gets me through the day, the courage she has to speak her opinion, the time and effort she has sacrificed for my sake. Some of the best things I remember are the cookies on a stick EVERY YEAR for birthdays, coming to every night of my school performances and concerts, singing me to sleep, rubbing my back, giving advice, and telling me how proud she is of me. I'm grateful for everything she does and the way she lives her life. I love you mom!
"There is no greater good in all the world than motherhood. The influence of a mother in the lives of her children is beyond calculation." -James E. Faust
p.s. I know it's a day late, I'm not a terrible daughter!
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Advice I Needed
I've been thinking about my Grandma Gerber the past few days. She lived on the West coast through my life and I lived on the East, and with a family of 8 it was hard to visit. She died a few days after I turned 12. I didn't know her well, but had a few good memories. Every day I wish I could have one last conversation with her. My mother has always said the more I grow up the more I become like her mother. As I go through these trials and through my life I keep that one wish with me.
Elizabeth Lucile McKinney Gerber. I've become so grateful for the biography they wrote as she was passing. I ran across it this afternoon and am astonished at how alike we are! I will need a lot more years and a lot more experience before I can say the wonderful things she did, but these are just a few quotes from her that I couldn't let pass by:
"Just live every day the best you can. Don't let days go by without having some kind of positive experience. I don't care what each morning is when you get up. Look at it as another adventure."
"My talent is that I love everyone. I know that is a talent the Lord gave me but sometimes I don't know what to do with that talent. It is a gift for me to love people."
"Just look around you and see how truly wonderful life is and be a part of it. Try to put your toe in the water and get it good and wet and then slip all the way over your head. Going in over your head is a very, very good thing."
Advice she would give to a 10 year old: "Feel Comfortable About Yourself" "Run free as long as the world will let you. They world won't let a 50 year old woman make angels in the sand."
Advice to give someone 10-20 years old: "Look at life a little more openly and not let things, or people impress you. Don't let people form your opinions for you."
I am so blessed to be related to this woman and read these words and gather the strength and inspiration I need from her and her experiences.
Elizabeth Lucile McKinney Gerber. I've become so grateful for the biography they wrote as she was passing. I ran across it this afternoon and am astonished at how alike we are! I will need a lot more years and a lot more experience before I can say the wonderful things she did, but these are just a few quotes from her that I couldn't let pass by:
"Just live every day the best you can. Don't let days go by without having some kind of positive experience. I don't care what each morning is when you get up. Look at it as another adventure."
"My talent is that I love everyone. I know that is a talent the Lord gave me but sometimes I don't know what to do with that talent. It is a gift for me to love people."
"Just look around you and see how truly wonderful life is and be a part of it. Try to put your toe in the water and get it good and wet and then slip all the way over your head. Going in over your head is a very, very good thing."
Advice she would give to a 10 year old: "Feel Comfortable About Yourself" "Run free as long as the world will let you. They world won't let a 50 year old woman make angels in the sand."
Advice to give someone 10-20 years old: "Look at life a little more openly and not let things, or people impress you. Don't let people form your opinions for you."
Me and My Grandparents-Lloyd and Betty
Look at how beautiful this woman is!
Great Grandma Brown and Grandma Gerber...you can see where I come from:)
Grandma and Grandpa-classic!
Monday, May 7, 2012
Latest Work Adventures!
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| Our Floof Tower |
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| Blowing Bubbles! |
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| The fort I built for the girls...they played in there for all of 4 minutes. |
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| The pool and slip n slide!..and Gabbs |
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| The Slip n Slide! |
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