I haven't wanted to write about this for the longest time, but I feel like this is my area to delve into what really makes me...me. Relationships have been a crazy ride for me. I feel like every year there is at least one story of a boy and how they helped push me to grow into myself or how I became me. It sounds sad and weird and all sorts of messed up and I swear I'm not boy crazy because I really get along just fine without them, but everyone is different and learns in different ways.
As a heads up, none of this is going to make any sense or be, in any way, fluid.
I have had some amazing boyfriends. Most of them I didn't deserve, but all of them I learned amazing lessons from and grew from. All of them I needed to date. Even that one. That one who would make me feel like I wasn't worth it. Like I couldn't keep anyone's attention more than a few weeks. The one who made me feel insecure and lonely and broke my capacity to truly trust. But I learned. Oh, did I learn! Those feelings and insecurities stay with me now. They didn't hit until a year after the fact, I don't know why, they just didn't. And when they did, they hit hard. I didn't know what I was feeling or why. I didn't know why I felt like I couldn't trust any relationship I was going into. It wasn't until after I was down and out again when I truly recognized, sat down and took a look at what happened to me, who I had become from those things. I didn't like it. I still don't. It's still hard for me and I know it will continue to be. But I also know that these things take time. I know what it is now and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it, but I'm ready to give everything a shot. I want to feel happy and secure and comfortable again.
Every day, with the Lord's help, I become stronger. I realize what I am worth. I know what I want. One day I will get it. I've become more able to realize when I sink back to these awful feelings of unworthiness and pull myself out of it. It's not easy-it never is. These challenges and setbacks are there to help perfect us. We are all given these challenges and trials to help our weaknesses become strong. It's the only way to become perfected and that's the ultimate goal! Obviously we can't make it there in this life, but if that is our goal all of the time, we will eventually get there in the next life.
I know this hasn't really said much of anything, given any insight, or done anything really, but this post needed to happen for me. I have refused to address the problems I have because, like most people, I wanted to pretend it didn't happen. It was nothing huge or way major, but major enough to cause me to have these emotions and thoughts. It was enough to make my weaknesses become strong:) Looking back, and forwards, it's a true blessing to be able to have my Heavenly Father think I am ready to become one step closer to being perfected! I am so grateful for that trial and that I could learn and grow.
Way to go to have courage to write about this. I remember when I used to write in my own private journal that no one ever saw I got incredibly nervous just putting down anything relationship-related. I was reminded of the scripture Joshua 1:9 where the Lord tells us to have good courage and that if we do he will lead us wherever we go. You are worth a lot and you you will get the righteous desires of your heart. We all have to remember that at times. Keep it up.
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