Just The Baby Steps

   P90X is completely kicking my butt, but I love it! I had forgotten how great it feels to be so sore and be happy with the work out you did that day. It's just one thing that I've been meaning to do for a while...a long while, but never got around to doing because it didn't seem so important. Turns out that it was.
   I haven't been myself for a while. Let's face it, everyone goes through those times where they just don't feel comfortable, don't feel like themselves, judge themselves and others too quickly, and is plain broken for a bit. Well that's been me for the past two months and you never see it coming till you turn around and look one day at who you are and who you were-not that I'm unhappy with who I was. I know the changes I should have made and chose not to make them.
   But I'm turning that around now. I'm doing things for me because they make me happy. We all need those few things in life that just make us happy to be ourselves. I went in to the nursing home to fill out my volunteer paperwork and get a tour and let me just say that I felt amazing walking down those halls(granted I got lost a few times!) knowing that I was going to be helping in probably the slightest of ways. This was what I needed to do a long time ago. The great thing about life is that it's never too late to start. That was my lesson I learned this week. It is never too late to start thinking of others, be humbled, learn, and share. So I started. I'm going back tomorrow and Friday and will probably get a rhythm going next week with more regular times and I AM SO EXCITED!
   Another thing is the P90X. I've never been a sporty-athletic person. If I had kept with soccer when I was 7, maybe. If I had ever let my mom put me in a tutu instead of running around in my batman cape at 5, maybe. But I wouldn't be who I am today if I had made those choices. Instead, I've always found a love in exercise. I am the worst at being consistent! So the whole P90X thing is a great way for me to start! They say after 21 days of doing something consistently it becomes a habit, so 90 days should be an awesome experience! As long as I push it through these first 21:) Like I said earlier, I love being sore. I love knowing I am working hard and pushing my body more than I thought I could. I love sweating out the stress and not being able to walk after. I just love it. I feel more confident in myself because I know I can make it through an hour of an extreme work out. And that's another thing I needed- my confidence back.
   Those two things along with my gratitude journal starting back up have made the past two days completely different than I've been feeling this past month. I feel alive again. I feel like I can conquer the world-they way I should feel. I've stopped sweating the small things, worrying about my life plans, what other people think, and holding onto my own expectations. I am not completely healed yet, nothing can do that except time. But I'm doing everything in my power-holding up my end of the bargain-and soon enough, I will not be as fragile. And doing these things are getting me there faster, even in just these baby steps!
   Now to get to bed since I have some yoga to do at 7 in tha morning!

As Of Lately

Just some things I've been up to/thinking about that felt necessary to document!

1. Went mudding for the first time with Jason, Seth, and Caitlin! It was a little bit too soft and the puddle/lake thing was too high to go far in, but we'll get another chance:)

2. Thursday night I played kickball for the first time in 9 years the other night! I might have struck out every single time I went to the plate and played left field all game, but I PLAYED! (Thanks Jennifer and Amanda:) )

3. Started P90X today. Yeah I almost died. Apparently it was a back and chest work out, but I ended up working my arms...at least something got worked on? But Jason and I have a bet so now I have to finish.

4. I got an email back from the volunteer coordinators at a Nursing Home! I'm super excited. Now to email the refugee center and the soup kitchen:)

5. I'm trying my hardest to get myself closer with the Lord. I didn't finish the Book of Mormon challenge set out by the Stake Presidency, but I've been steadily reading and keeping myself on track. I'm pretty sure it is going to take a lot more effort than what I'm putting in, but I will keep adding new things each week and stretching myself to be more like Christ. Something I really need to work on is putting myself in other people's shoes. I'll get there some day!

6. The Avengers is awesome.

7. Gabbs stayed home from school today because she didn't feel good this morning. When I got there at 1, she admitted she was faking and proceeded to run around and scream because of the lack of socialization earlier that day. When I have children, they will go to school unless they are contagious or throwing up. 

Mother's Day

   My mom has taught me a lot. I'm pretty sure everyone can say that about their moms, but what gets me every Mother's Day is how we all have the moms we have for a reason. It sounds kind of silly to say it just like that, but sometimes we forget that our souls and spirits are not sent to a different mom. Yes this all could sound incredibly wrong because I can't find the right words, so I hope you catch my non-stupid drift.
   So let me say that my mom is my best friend. This year has been one of the hardest for us(which says a lot if you knew me when I was younger). First I graduated High School. I loved that I could torment her by blasting songs like "My Little Girl", "Don't Forget to Remember Me", and "The Best Day" and just the opening chord could make her eyes well up with tears. I hated that after I listened and laughed at my mom for crying I would go to my room and secretly cry a tear or two.
   After the graduation hype passed and it set in that I would still be living here in the fall, it actually happened. School started and as I started to change, our relationship changed. It was hurt by the blow of my need for independence and my mothers want to always keep me her little girl. Not only that, but my opinions about what I wanted to do with my life and who I wanted to become and the people I would surround myself with changed. I had messed with the plans we had made together just a few short months ago. Neither of us do well with change, not many people do. But we worked together to get through it and figure things out. She still supported me through everything and all my back and forth decisions.
    Now I'm facing and have faced a few major decisions to make and she has definitely guided me, but has also given me my independence, and to be cliche here, given me the wings to go fly on my own.
   My mother has been with me through everything. She's been my best friend. We pretty much describe our relationship as Rory and Lorelie from Gilmore Girls. She is the most caring, funny, confident, and heartfelt woman. She is humble and self-less and thoroughly enjoys being a mother. Through her actions and her words, I've learned so much from this amazing woman and I can only hope that one day my testimony will be as strong as hers and I can be half the mother she is. I am so thankful for the endless love she has shown me, her beautiful lullaby voice, her humor that gets me through the day, the courage she has to speak her opinion, the time and effort she has sacrificed for my sake. Some of the best things I remember are the cookies on a stick EVERY YEAR for birthdays, coming to every night of my school performances and concerts, singing me to sleep, rubbing my back, giving advice, and telling me how proud she is of me. I'm grateful for everything she does and the way she lives her life. I love you mom!

"There is no greater good in all the world than motherhood. The influence of a mother in the lives of her children is beyond calculation."  -James E. Faust

p.s. I know it's a day late, I'm not a terrible daughter!

Advice I Needed

I've been thinking about my Grandma Gerber the past few days. She lived on the West coast through my life and I lived on the East, and with a family of 8 it was hard to visit. She died a few days after I turned 12. I didn't know her well, but had a few good memories. Every day I wish I could have one last conversation with her. My mother has always said the more I grow up the more I become like her mother. As I go through these trials and through my life I keep that one wish with me.
Elizabeth Lucile McKinney Gerber. I've become so grateful for the biography they wrote as she was passing. I ran across it this afternoon and am astonished at how alike we are! I will need a lot more years and a lot more experience before I can say the wonderful things she did, but these are just a few quotes from her that I couldn't let pass by:

"Just live every day the best you can. Don't let days go by without having some kind of positive experience. I don't care what each morning is when you get up. Look at it as another adventure."


"My talent is that I love everyone. I know that is a talent the Lord gave me but sometimes I don't know what to do with that talent. It is a gift for me to love people."


"Just look around you and see how truly wonderful life is and be a part of it. Try to put your toe in the water and get it good and wet and then slip all the way over your head. Going in over your head is a very, very good thing."

Advice she would give to a 10 year old: "Feel Comfortable About Yourself" "Run free as long as the world will let you. They world won't let a 50 year old woman make angels in the sand."

Advice to give someone 10-20 years old: "Look at life a little more openly and not let things, or people impress you. Don't let people form your opinions for you."

Me and My Grandparents-Lloyd and Betty

Look at how beautiful this woman is!

Great Grandma Brown and Grandma Gerber...you can see where I come from:)

Grandma and Grandpa-classic!

I am so blessed to be related to this woman and read these words and gather the strength and inspiration I need from her and her experiences.

Latest Work Adventures!

Our Floof Tower

Blowing Bubbles!

The fort I built for the girls...they played in there for all of 4 minutes.

The pool and slip n slide!..and Gabbs

The Slip n Slide!

I Have The Best Job Ever.

I seriously have the best job ever. Gabby is so funny and we get along so great. I get paid to have fun...I'm so lucky and incredibly blessed! This family is wonderful and have been so good to me. I'm going to be really sad to not see Gabby every day this Summer, but we'll be back together in the fall! We have made forts, baked delicious things, made videos, taken tons of pictures, and been on many many adventures! She laughs at my dumb jokes and I have a 9 year old's sense of humor. Photos to come later this week from our water park we are creating in her backyard, but for now take a look at the funniest kid I know!

Freshman Year=CHECK!

   I just finished my last exam of my Freshman year of college. I feel old. One year ago I was sitting in my chorus class with my best friends, crying over graduation and the fear of growing up. Today I am sitting on my bed, satisfied with the completion of my first year in college and reminiscing on the things I've learned in this very short year both academically and on a more personal level. Things like every grade counts, don't procrastinate, put 100% into every assignment, be prepared for class, and talk to your professors all have helped me and are things I've learned through trial and error or from previous advice. Things like just be yourself, have fun, make the most of every situation, make goals and keep them, remind yourself daily of who you are and what that means are all things I've learned the same way, but have become a part of me.
    I have not changed, just grown. God has a path for me and I'm just in the woods trying to find it. I've learned to stop trying to forge the path on my own, but follow the little whisperings of the Spirit to the little path for me that's been made already for me. If I do my part, He will do His. Of course I still want to travel and experience things and life and meet people and learn so much. Of course I still want to get married someday to an amazing man who will take me to the temple. If I didn't still have these dreams and goals I wouldn't be myself. I've just become someone who wants to put the Lord first instead and others second. And I think Heavenly Father will find a way to incorporate my goals with His.
    One year ago, I would have never imagined to have the experiences and friendships that I have now. I have the best group of friends, the best major, and the most fun. One year ago, the plan was to be anti-social, put every effort into my nursing degree, and transfer to BYU after studying abroad in New Zealand. Today, the plan is to have fun with the people I love and the friends that I've made, to try my best and soak up my Anthropology classes, and as far as where I'm going to school is being taken a semester at a time. When I travel and where I go will be determined as the timing is right and the opportunity comes. For now, I'm going to set some summer goals and have fun during my last month with Gabby.