It's funny how growing up changes you. One day your biggest life decisions are popsicle flavors and what friend to have spend the night. Next thing you know you're biggest life decisions are more permanent, more future and goal oriented, and more heavy. I'm not saying I'm old...I'll only be 20 in a little over a month! But I'm facing these decisions. I'm not who I was 15 years ago, 10 years ago, or even just one year ago.
When I was younger I was a brat. I was jealous of everyone, my motto was "that's not fair", and I would dream of being an only child. Yeah, I was kind of awful. But I could dream! I dreamt of being in the spotlight on a stage somewhere, the bright lights and big city kind of dream. I kept that dream until I was 7. When I was 7 I was still a brat, not as much of one, but definitely still there! I started school a few years before and decided I wanted to be a teacher. That dream was kept alive for the next 10 years, no doubts ever crossed my mind. When I was 17 I took a quiz that told me I would be a good nurse. So I put that on applications! I started the pre-requisites for it at UNCG the next year and didn't mind them. When I was 19 I took my first anthropology course. I would literally sit there and read my textbook. I became fascinated and almost obsessed with the class and the things I was learning. To change from something I deemed as a "practical" life direction to an "impractical", job-less career was a huge stepping stone for me. Looking back now I'm so happy I followed that passion and will one day be an Anthropologist!
Every little girl dreams of her future life, right? At some point, they say "I am going to marry Aaron Carter!" (or whichever boyband/tween crush your heart desires). And that's how it starts. Eventually in Young Women's you make lists. Lists beyond lists. Things you want in a future husband. My lists probably looked something like this:
1. Funny
2. Cute
3. Nice
4. A Member of the Church
5. Musical
6. Sings
7. Will Be A Good Dad
8. Likes Going to Church
9. Irish or Australian or British
10. Served A Mission
And as years go by and lessons are learned, you cross things off your list and modify them. I'm not going to write my list here-some mystery is good for you-but it's changed. Some things have stayed the same, things of the soul and worthiness of the temple have been added, temporal things taken off, and random items added and shifted in importance. But most of all it's the feeling. Am I comfortable around them? Do they make me a better person? Do they make me want to be a better person? Do they love the gospel as much as I do? Those are the really important things along with a few others. A nice little accent might help though:)
Love turns into something else when you grow up. It starts out so pure and innocent and full of life as a child, and when you hit dating ages it forms into something passionate and on a deeper level. As I keep growing and learning, I think love for me now is a mixture of all of that: It's deep, passionate, pure, raw, accepting, growing together, compromising, and beyond words sometimes.
Growing up is more than realizing your wants and dreams and goals, though. It's learning who you are and how you function; it's how you deal with things, treat people, treat yourself. I've learned my strengths and my weaknesses. I am complex. I love snow and rain and sun, but hate the heat and wet and cold. That's a pretty simple example, but it gets the point across. I love living on my own but hate being alone. I overthink...a lot. I worry about things and I have realized that when I have closed off the Lord's communication with me it is fifty times worse. I care about others. A lot of the times I put myself first. I shouldn't, and it's a constant struggle I face and will continue to face, but I recognize it. I know I have the potential to overcome my struggles and shortcomings. I am smart. I love school and I love learning. I remember events, dates, and names but hardly ever school related items. I remember words written, I hardly ever remember things spoken. I need bonding moments with people. I need to make memories with them and talk and laugh to have a good friendship with someone. We all need trust and hope. Hope that we can trust in the first place and hope that we can trust again. Growing up is even deeper than that. It's finding the rocks in your life to hold on to when things get tough. It's standing back up on your two feet, even though it takes time and help. It's humbling yourself to learn and let yourself fall and grow taller. It's being thankful for how imperfect you are and being happy with yourself. It's knowing your faults, knowing they don't have to be permanent, and knowing your strengths and applying them. Growing up is learning, whether its about your desires and wishes in life or about yourself and your needs and wants. It's stretching higher everyday.
When you grow up, you become someone you thought you never would become. You are in places you never thought you would be. You do things you never thought you would do. Sometimes it's scary to look back and see how distant you are from that little girl playing in the sprinkler on her front lawn. But it's easier than you think to keep that part with us. Something I hope to never lose is my confidence. Life is full of rejections, pain, trials, things that push you around. Those can really lower you and sometimes it does. But growing up is just that - pushing yourself to higher places, and refining your skills and learning new ones. It's bouncing back from those even stronger than you were. There's no where to go but up! I'm no where near done growing and I don't think I ever will be and as scary as that sounds and probably will be, it will be crazy and fun and probably different than the plans I have in my mind. But it will be so much better than I could ever imagine!
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