I have a lot of decisions coming up in my life. I don't want to get into them because they are personal, not set in stone, and I don't want another fiasco like the Australia incident earlier this Spring. But I have some decisions to make.
Up until last year, every decision in my life I had never had to think twice about. Sure, there were hesitations, but it was really I just did what I wanted. I had no major decisions to make, and even when applying for college came around, that decision was basically made for me. Everything ended up pointing to UNCG and I have never doubted that this was the place for me to start my college experience and education. I don't think I even prayed for confirmation about it, but I know now that it was very right for me to be here.
Now I am faced with so many options. The world is becoming so small, yet is so large, and with my young age and my desires, there are many things I want to do and accomplish in this life-both personally, spiritually, physically, and academically. To be a well-rounded person and to become the best, most perfect version of yourself you can be, you have to focus on each of these areas. All of my decisions come down to those four ideals and they even intertwine with one another.
After my decision with school and growing up a little, I have been faced with decisions that I have needed to pray about. Starting off last school year I had something I needed an answer on. My faith in the Lord and His ability to answer me was always there, I had just never used it. After one year, I can see how my testimony in prayer and personal revelation has grown.
The biggest and hardest decision I ever had to make was the Australia one. I was told so many things and pulled in so many directions, it was really hard for me to determine what the Spirit was telling me at first. I wanted to go so bad. I cannot express how badly I wanted to go and how perfect the set up there would have been. The family was wonderful and so kind and I know I could have done many great things while being there. I remember as I fasted about it, I felt like I would be protected if I made the decision to go. I interpreted that as "it's the right decision to go". What I didn't think about was if that was truly the BEST decision and if it was the absolute most right thing to do.
I had been told that sometimes the Lord just lets you do things and make those decisions and He will later confirm they were right. I had experienced this in little ways throughout my life and I had put any feeling of not going on the back burner, telling myself it was fear or anxiety and it would go away in time. I told myself that this time was one of those times that He was saying "do what you want and I will be with you because I trust you to make that decision". He does say that sometimes, and I knew what it felt like for Him to say that. I knew this was not one of those times, yet continued to put that feeling in a box deep inside myself. I knew what fear felt like and convinced myself that this was a different kind of fear that I had never felt before because this was something I had never done before. Obviously, I lied to myself a lot.
Over the weeks and months it took for me to make my decision, I accepted the position as an Au Pair with the family in Brisbane, Australia. Later that night, I received a priesthood blessing and read my patriarchal blessing over and over again. I looked at things with an unbiased eye and felt an overwhelming attitude of remorse and guilt for pushing away the signs and the whisperings of the Spirit telling me to stay. That night I went to bed with a heavy and prayerful heart, hoping I was wrong, but knowing I was right when I finally let the Lord in to tell me I had made the wrong decision. I let the feeling sit for a day, as I needed to in my own personal way, and went to bed with the same feelings. I woke up the next morning and emailed the family back, telling them I could not come and apologized for the back and forth decision. I was sad. There is no other way to say it. I knew that I wanted it more than anything I had ever wanted before. It was the chance of a lifetime. I had told everyone, got my passport, started the VISA paperwork, and started shopping(what girl wouldn't?!). Now I had to break the news to everyone, sit and look at my empty passport, and wear the clothes I had picked out to live in a different country. I just want to give a shout out to everyone who stayed with me during this time. I was not a happy person. I was not a nice person. But everyone who ever gave me advice, talked with me for hours, and helped me realize these things made every bit of difference and I cannot thank them enough.
Over time, I realized I made the right decision. I will always wonder what I would have done and how I would have turned out if I lived in Brisbane for 6 months, and I still feel embarrassed and ashamed for pushing away the Lord who was only trying to help me. While I'm making these decisions coming up, I am keeping Him by my side. I do not want to make the wrong decision, but I know He won't let me if I'm making the right daily choices. It is hard for me to break down and just tell myself that I am not in control. With God, I can do what He wants me to do in my life and I know He will let me travel and see the world while I am doing that. If I had gone to Australia, I never would have volunteered with the kids at the center this summer. I wouldn't have learned so many great things and grown in my testimony in the ways that I did. I wouldn't have met the people I did, become the person I am, and helped the people I helped. Yes, He would have made sure I learned and grew in these areas later and in different circumstances, but it all comes down to timing. He knows the perfect time. He knows the perfect place and the perfect people. He knows the experiences that you need at the right time and in the right place. As I go into making these decisions, I know that without a doubt, I will make the right decisions for my future and He will not leave me.
So here is to growing up, making "big girl" decisions, and being led to the people who need my help the most!
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